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Writer's pictureThuy-vy Nguyen

From Quiet Moments to Chaos: Understand How Your Solitude Changes After Becoming A Mom

Written by Becky Yarwood

Artwork by Kateryna Manko


Source: Nguyen, T. T., Konu, D., Tetteh, D., Tshimbalanga, P., Weissová, J., & Xiong, M. (Under review). “I got all sorts of solitude, but that solitude wasn’t mine”: A Mixed-Methods Approach to Understanding Aloneness during Becoming A Mother. Doi: https://doi.org/10.31219/osf.io/m67k2. 


Mothers’ experiences of solitude changed after having a baby. We discovered this in our interviews with 22 first-time mothers in Northeast England UK . The age range of the mothers who took part was between 23 and 44 years old and their babies were between 2 and 34 months old.


New challenges of solitude

Most of the first-time mothers felt that their solitude time significantly reduced as the baby’s needs became the main priority. Even though the amount of physical isolation at home is inevitable after the first few months of having a baby, our mothers are unable to be free from the psychological demands involved in childcare. Responding to their child’s every sound and movement overrode the possibility of rest, even with a partner present. 

Mothers in the study struggled to justify taking time for themselves as they did prior to motherhood. Priorities shifted dramatically for new mothers. Meaningful self-care activities like exercising and hobbies took a backseat to the needs of their child. Even when this time was available, they were occupied with thoughts of caring for their child so their solitude was not completely theirs. 


Changes in quality and quantity 

Several mothers who took part in the study felt the dramatic shifts in their experiences of time alone in both its duration and quality. Before becoming mothers, they could more easily make time out for themselves as part of their daily routine for personal pursuits, hobbies, and relaxation. After childbirth, the constant needs of the baby took priority which resulted in shorter, less frequent, and more scattered moments of solitude. This makes planning for that time difficult.  

Having reduced time for private solitude could sometimes be further impacted by the baby’s sleeping and feeding patterns. Even when external help such as family members were able to help out, this sometimes infringed on the mothers’ ability to find time for themselves.

 

Becoming a mother takes away choices for solitude 

The biggest challenge is the decreased autonomy for their solitude. Mothers have limited options on how they get to spend their time alone even when the baby is sleeping. Being able to be immersed in activities such as reading and watching movies are harder to do and their time is dictated by the baby’s needs and schedule.  

Any activities that could be enjoyed alone are often squeezed into the brief windows when the baby is asleep or when it is practical. For example, several mothers mentioned spending more time watching TV than before the baby because they were able to do it hands-free. Outdoor activities also become less convenient in the first few months of motherhood because of the short feeding windows.  


Losing control and predictability of solitude 

New mothers have reduced options on how and when to spend time alone. For example, a baby’s nap time might range from 20 to 90 minutes, making it difficult to schedule in activities and anticipate how much time she has to herself. Due to this, me-time is no longer guaranteed and is more random and broken up than before. Only a few mothers in the study learned to seize those moments when they arise, while many others let go entirely of trying to plan for me-time. 

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