Exploring Solitude and Loneliness with 11-Year-Olds: Key Insights from a Thoughtful Session

Thuy-vy Nguyen
Apr 30
5 min read

Updated: May 2

Written by Thuy-vy Nguyen

Get involved: If you are a teacher who would love to have a session for your students on solitude, emotional regulation, and the power of choice, please reach out to Dr. Thuy-vy Nguyen. Let's work together to help young people understand and harness the positive aspects of solitude for their emotional well-being.

On 29 April, I had the pleasure of leading a session with a group of 11-year-olds, where we explored the important concepts of solitude, loneliness, and emotional regulation. The students were highly engaged and shared thoughtful reflections on what it means to be alone, when solitude feels positive, and how emotional regulation plays a key role in their overall well-being.

Here's a breakdown of what we discussed:

Exploring Activities During Alone Time

When I first asked the students, "What comes to mind when you think about the time you spend alone?", their responses centred largely around activities they engage in during their alone time. Many students mentioned video games, reading, and the desire to be productive as common ways to spend time alone, including things like chores and errands! A lot of the boys, in particular, spoke about video games as an enjoyable and engaging activity, which allows them to unwind and escape into a different world.

Interestingly, there were also students who shared that, at times, they simply want to chill and relax when alone, rather than feel pressured to be productive. They spoke about the importance of having downtime to recharge, whether through listening to music or simply doing nothing for a while.

This variety of responses highlights the different ways in which students approach their time alone. Whether they choose to be productive or just relax, the key takeaway is that their choice of activity is an important part of how they experience solitude. The time alone, as they shared, is not just about being alone—it’s also about how they spend that time.

Solitude vs. Loneliness

Another key concept we explored was the difference between solitude and loneliness, which the students understood quite clearly. When asked if they thought being alone and feeling lonely were the same thing, every student who shared their thoughts emphasized that the two are different. One student even remarked, “You can choose to be alone, but you don’t choose to be lonely.”

This distinction between solitude and loneliness was insightful, and we discussed how solitude can be a choice, whereas loneliness often feels more negative and beyond our control. Many of the students mentioned that they prefer being alone when they feel frustrated or stressed due to things like homework or busy schedules. In these situations, solitude allows them to recharge and find a sense of calm.

Research supports this understanding, especially for children around the ages of 9 to 11, as they are typically able to distinguish between solitude and loneliness. This distinction is important, not just for their emotional development but also for their ability to navigate social situations and manage their feelings.

The Power of Choice in Solitude

A central theme that organically emerged during the session was the role of choice in making solitude a positive or negative experience. When asked when time alone feels nice, many students pointed out that solitude is enjoyable when they have control over how they spend their time. Activities like reading, playing video games, or simply having quiet time were all mentioned as examples of moments when solitude feels peaceful and enjoyable.

However, the students also acknowledged that when they don’t have a choice, or when they are forced into solitude, it can feel uncomfortable. One student explained that being alone feels less enjoyable when they have nothing to do or when they’re unable to focus on a particular activity. This insight highlighted the importance of having control over our alone time and how the choice to engage in activities that we enjoy can significantly affect how we feel about solitude.

Emotions in Solitude: What We Keep to Ourselves

We also took time to explore the emotional aspect of solitude and when students feel the need to keep certain emotions to themselves so solitude might become a space to manage and understand our emotions. I shared with the students a secret power of solitude. It brings down intense emotions, creating an opportunity for calm. But sometimes, it can also introduce feelings like loneliness and boredom, so it is important for us to learn to process those emotions.

One student mentioned that they preferred to keep feelings like anger and frustration private, using time alone to process and regulate these emotions before sharing them with others. But sometimes it is not just one emotion. This led us to discuss that emotions might have many layers. For example, anger can stem from feelings of anxiety or sadness, which makes the emotion more complex.

Another student said that there are times when it might be hard to pinpoint one emotion, or you might not understand what you are feeling. It was also noted that being able to sit with negative emotions can be difficult and requires certain skills. I reinforced this idea by explaining that emotions often have underlying causes and that understanding them can take time and practice. This is why emotion regulation can be a skill that needs to be developed over time.

Device Use: A Double-Edged Sword

The issue of device use sparked a lot of conversation. While many students agreed that devices can help regulate emotions—such as watching a funny video to lighten their mood—there was also concern about how certain content can negatively affect their emotional state. Students acknowledged that mindlessly scrolling through social media or engaging with content that evokes negative feelings can lead to loneliness, rather than providing the comfort they might seek.

This led to a discussion about how devices and digital content can sometimes disrupt the reflective quality of solitude. For example, when we engage with social media or video games, we are bombarded with information, and we often don’t have the opportunity to pause, reflect, or focus on our own emotions. The nature of short-form media and its fast-paced format makes it difficult for us to hold our attention and engage in meaningful self-reflection.

The key takeaway from this discussion was that choice matters not only in how we spend our time alone, but also in what content we consume when we are alone. By making more intentional choices about the media we engage with, we can ensure that our alone time remains restorative rather than overwhelming.

Conclusion: A Rewarding Experience

The session was an incredibly rewarding experience for me. The students were not only reflective and insightful but also highly engaged in the conversation. They showed a deep understanding of the difference between solitude and loneliness, the importance of choice in solitude, and how emotions and device use play into our well-being.

The most important takeaway from this session was the role of choice in how we experience solitude. Whether we are choosing to engage in a favourite activity, reflect on our feelings, or consume content, we have the power to shape our alone time in ways that support our emotional health. Moving forward, I hope these young students will be more mindful of how they use their time alone and make intentional choices that allow them to recharge, reflect, and regulate their emotions.

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